Long overdue piece inspired by the conversation at the steamboat table during CNY, commenting about the endless Tiger Beer ad and an endless briefcase of money. Having replayed the classic Portal, I shall humbly attempt to emulate some voices of legendary GLaDOS in this piece of writing.
(Radio sounds from the speakers attached to the briefcase.)
(Play Theme song.)
(Human picks up briefcase)
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Hello Subject [insert subject no.]. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Zzzt.
Hello Lucky Star!
You have to be the luckiest human to have found me here!
Why is that so?
Because you have just picked up The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money (aka TBTNROOM)!
Yes, you hear me right! The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money!
T-B-T-N-ROOM!
VROOM VROOM!
*coughs coughs*
Please pardon my occasional uncontrollable manic attacks. You must have seen that Hatter in action, do you not? Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Contextual error. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
*coughs coughs*
So you must be wondering how is it possible to have a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money? Simple! Because I am a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money!
Please follow these easy steps to ensure that you will never run out of human cash to spend!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
That's right, in case you missed it, let's hear it one more time!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
Repeat these easy steps to get truckloads of paper cash instantly! No Fuss, No Muss, No GST! Authenticity guaranteed by the seal of approval from the TBTNROOM Association.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Please take note that normal distribution dictates the probability of the success rates of the open open, close close process of manufacturing truckloads of money. In layman terms, sometimes you get the money, sometimes you don't.
In addition, please be advised that the TBTNROOM promises to provide good ergonomics for users handling the product. In semi-rare cases of non-ergonomic situations, the TBTNROOM promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the handle of the TBTNROOM is laden with Tetanospasmin. Symptoms of exposure include muscle spasms and death. Handle with care.
In addition, please note that we have added a consequence for non-compliance of open open, close close procedure. Any incorrect moves or pauses in executing the procedure will result in an 'Epic Fail' mark on your palms, followed by a minor electric shock of 4000 volts.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Muahahahahahaha! Zzzt! Major contextual error! Zzzt!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
The TBTNROOM will be very pleased if you pretend we were not enslaving you with the TBTNROOM. Please pick up the product, sit by the side of the road, and start opening! We might throw a makeshift picnic shortly to celebrate your tremendous success in using the TNTNROOM in fulfilling your wealthy desires!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Good luck!
Zzzt.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The story of the heartless man
Background: Inspired by The Girl with Two Hearts, a humble attempt to account for the heartless man and his tragic end.
I shall humbly take over to fill in the details of the tragic pair, the girl who once had two hearts and the man who is heartless. Perhaps I shall give more details about the heartless man for a more rounded account.
People never understood how the heartless man survives without his heart, because blood cannot circulate without its presence. The doctors who attempted to study him had a hypothesis though. Blood is needed by the brain for it to function, therefore they suggest that the blood circulates via brain activity to replace the pumping heart. Of course, this hypothesis is never tested due to constraints by the Ethically Ethical Ethics Guidelines set by the International Mediocal Boared (sic) to prevent such unethical experiments to be carried out. They could only clamour in a distance.
However, let me assure that the solution is actually quite simple. Know his name, and one will understand. Names are so important, am I not right? Especially when the name of the heartless man is Bi Gan. Yes, he is the same person who once had a seven-hole-rare-beauty (七窍玲珑) heart, but was taken out by the evil concubine of King Zhou thousands of years ago for her amusement. For the benefit of thoseba****s who are not familiar with this legend, Mr Jiang gave Mr Bi a magical talisman to prevent his death after having his heart taken out. However, after surviving, he had to ask a lady selling kangkongs what would happen to a man with no heart. If the lady says “the man without heart still lives”, Mr Bi will survive. On the other hand, if the reply is “the man without heart dies”, he would vomit blood and dirty the whole marketplace with his exploded internal organs and, needless to say, die on the spot. The legend told that Mr Bi indeed had died on the spot and caused a civil war against King Zhou in the country when word about the incident spread, since Mr Bi was a wise official who governed with a heart.
But, as clichéd as it will sound, nothing could be further from the truth. The kind old kangkong lady actually said “I don't know. I think he will live a long long life instead since he would have no heart to take care of.”
And so, Mr Bi lived a long, long life, but had to feign death for obvious reasons.
Since we have clarified Mr Bi's background, it will be easier to explain what really happened between the girl with two hearts and him the heartless man. The doctors are right to say that Mr Bi used his brain for blood circulation. Therefore, his brain received tremendous amount of workout for the past three thousand years. And therefore, his brain power is far more superior than other mere mortals, but since he already lost his conscience along with his heart, his hobby of playing people around him like a game is understandable. And thus, the poor girl who once had two hearts was not spared from his random acts of finding amusement.
Of course, as our dear previous narrator has mentioned, Mr Bi made a miscalculation on which heart to break. And so, Mr Bi was caught totally off guard when the girl went on to execute her devious plans of revenge with her new found intelligence. Even his three thousand year old brain couldn't save him from this.
The details on the onslaught is unnecessary as usual, but worth noting is his outcome. For those who are wise enough to understand that history never fails to repeat itself, how he met his end is obvious. But for the benefit of those who don't, I shall carry on. After losing all his material possessions, he dejectedly exiled himself from the civilisation as a last desperate attempt to escape the clutches of one-hearted girl. On the way to the mountains where Mr Jiang lived, he met an old lady selling kangkongs by the roadside. Anyone of reasonably sound mind would have avoided this old lady at all costs for obvious reasons, but somehow, Mr Bi chose to approach her, and ask, “What happens to a man without a heart?”
Moments later, only a pool of blood and crushed skeletal ashes remain. The old lady gave the most devious grin, removed her make-up and wig, and called for her private jet to bring her back home.
I shall humbly take over to fill in the details of the tragic pair, the girl who once had two hearts and the man who is heartless. Perhaps I shall give more details about the heartless man for a more rounded account.
People never understood how the heartless man survives without his heart, because blood cannot circulate without its presence. The doctors who attempted to study him had a hypothesis though. Blood is needed by the brain for it to function, therefore they suggest that the blood circulates via brain activity to replace the pumping heart. Of course, this hypothesis is never tested due to constraints by the Ethically Ethical Ethics Guidelines set by the International Mediocal Boared (sic) to prevent such unethical experiments to be carried out. They could only clamour in a distance.
However, let me assure that the solution is actually quite simple. Know his name, and one will understand. Names are so important, am I not right? Especially when the name of the heartless man is Bi Gan. Yes, he is the same person who once had a seven-hole-rare-beauty (七窍玲珑) heart, but was taken out by the evil concubine of King Zhou thousands of years ago for her amusement. For the benefit of those
But, as clichéd as it will sound, nothing could be further from the truth. The kind old kangkong lady actually said “I don't know. I think he will live a long long life instead since he would have no heart to take care of.”
And so, Mr Bi lived a long, long life, but had to feign death for obvious reasons.
Since we have clarified Mr Bi's background, it will be easier to explain what really happened between the girl with two hearts and him the heartless man. The doctors are right to say that Mr Bi used his brain for blood circulation. Therefore, his brain received tremendous amount of workout for the past three thousand years. And therefore, his brain power is far more superior than other mere mortals, but since he already lost his conscience along with his heart, his hobby of playing people around him like a game is understandable. And thus, the poor girl who once had two hearts was not spared from his random acts of finding amusement.
Of course, as our dear previous narrator has mentioned, Mr Bi made a miscalculation on which heart to break. And so, Mr Bi was caught totally off guard when the girl went on to execute her devious plans of revenge with her new found intelligence. Even his three thousand year old brain couldn't save him from this.
The details on the onslaught is unnecessary as usual, but worth noting is his outcome. For those who are wise enough to understand that history never fails to repeat itself, how he met his end is obvious. But for the benefit of those who don't, I shall carry on. After losing all his material possessions, he dejectedly exiled himself from the civilisation as a last desperate attempt to escape the clutches of one-hearted girl. On the way to the mountains where Mr Jiang lived, he met an old lady selling kangkongs by the roadside. Anyone of reasonably sound mind would have avoided this old lady at all costs for obvious reasons, but somehow, Mr Bi chose to approach her, and ask, “What happens to a man without a heart?”
Moments later, only a pool of blood and crushed skeletal ashes remain. The old lady gave the most devious grin, removed her make-up and wig, and called for her private jet to bring her back home.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I almost became purple vapour
I picked out a set of blood and skin samples from the cold, grey bodies of those pseudo-ninjas and kept them into a vial, before vaporising them with a bottle of quick-acid. The rogue's best friend, they said. Then I sat down on a boulder nearby and started to read the documents recovered from the bodies. I could only make out the following words from the illegible writings: seize from the central tablet.
I promptly went back to the Plaza and searched the 'Central Tablet', where the 'poem of the day' was held. Knock knock. There was a hollow compartment at the side, and I pried it open. A shining token caught my eye. Same as the tokens found from those pseudo-ninjas. I looked closely at the engravings depicting a bull with the head of the man. An inverted Minotaur?
I trotted back to the castle where Purple was waiting for me in his office. He let out a sigh of frustration when he saw the documents and the set of five tokens I recovered.
“Those pseudo-ninjas were just having their entrance exams to enter this mercenary organisation Ruatonim. The head of the man symbolises craftiness while the bull body represents strength. Of course, those si ginas you fought just now have none of the above. HEHEHEHEHE!”
I rolled my eyes.
“I feel SOOO sorry for you wasting your time dealing with these insignificants, but your trip was not all fruitless. Thanks to you, our biology alchemists will be able to derive more information about the si gina race, MUHAHAHAHAH...” he pointed to the vials with his bony fingers, “and besides, your account helped confirm the series of increased activity from this organisation all over the kingdom. I wonder...”
He suddenly lost his grin, but he regained his composure.
“I will let you know again. You are so much better than those overpaid agents who gets nothing right. Good thing I accepted your resignation back then, so that you can choose to become free labour. Cut costs, eh? HEHEHEHEHEHE...”
I almost wanted to throw my quick-acid at him, but he would vaporise me easily on the spot before that could happen. And I wondered why I am still taking all his shitty laughters and mockings. He vaporised the Lamia that tried to eat you alive when you are a kid, dumbass. Yeah right, sometimes I wished it didn't happen at all.
I gave the sharp look of disgust in front of his Cheshire Cat grin and turned to leave.
“Before I forget, here's a little something for your efforts.”
He tossed a small pouch of silver coins and a brown dragonskin pouch to me. I caught them without looking back.
As I left the castle compound, I took a glance at Princess' tower. The lights were still on. I heard that she would head for another diplomatic trip to the land of the Dwarves soon.
I wondered again why I am still willing to go through all this shit.
Maybe I still secretly wished to be her imperial guard, but I heard just recently that the Prince sliced the Manticore into a hundred pieces when it tried to attack Princess on their way to visit the Elven embassy. He better make sure that he keeps up this good work, or else I might just sneak into his room and...
On the other hand, maybe I should just pass her my dagger instead.
I promptly went back to the Plaza and searched the 'Central Tablet', where the 'poem of the day' was held. Knock knock. There was a hollow compartment at the side, and I pried it open. A shining token caught my eye. Same as the tokens found from those pseudo-ninjas. I looked closely at the engravings depicting a bull with the head of the man. An inverted Minotaur?
I trotted back to the castle where Purple was waiting for me in his office. He let out a sigh of frustration when he saw the documents and the set of five tokens I recovered.
“Those pseudo-ninjas were just having their entrance exams to enter this mercenary organisation Ruatonim. The head of the man symbolises craftiness while the bull body represents strength. Of course, those si ginas you fought just now have none of the above. HEHEHEHEHE!”
I rolled my eyes.
“I feel SOOO sorry for you wasting your time dealing with these insignificants, but your trip was not all fruitless. Thanks to you, our biology alchemists will be able to derive more information about the si gina race, MUHAHAHAHAH...” he pointed to the vials with his bony fingers, “and besides, your account helped confirm the series of increased activity from this organisation all over the kingdom. I wonder...”
He suddenly lost his grin, but he regained his composure.
“I will let you know again. You are so much better than those overpaid agents who gets nothing right. Good thing I accepted your resignation back then, so that you can choose to become free labour. Cut costs, eh? HEHEHEHEHEHE...”
I almost wanted to throw my quick-acid at him, but he would vaporise me easily on the spot before that could happen. And I wondered why I am still taking all his shitty laughters and mockings. He vaporised the Lamia that tried to eat you alive when you are a kid, dumbass. Yeah right, sometimes I wished it didn't happen at all.
I gave the sharp look of disgust in front of his Cheshire Cat grin and turned to leave.
“Before I forget, here's a little something for your efforts.”
He tossed a small pouch of silver coins and a brown dragonskin pouch to me. I caught them without looking back.
As I left the castle compound, I took a glance at Princess' tower. The lights were still on. I heard that she would head for another diplomatic trip to the land of the Dwarves soon.
I wondered again why I am still willing to go through all this shit.
Maybe I still secretly wished to be her imperial guard, but I heard just recently that the Prince sliced the Manticore into a hundred pieces when it tried to attack Princess on their way to visit the Elven embassy. He better make sure that he keeps up this good work, or else I might just sneak into his room and...
On the other hand, maybe I should just pass her my dagger instead.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Nightmare – From the Attacker
Background: The following is inspired by a nightmare a good friend had written about some time ago.
I don't really like my job. And it didn't help matters for me to have inferiority complex, which magnifies under the scrutiny of the Protected. It scares the hell out of me when they kept staring at me whenever I appear around them.
Yes, I know, I do emit and aura of fright and terror with black-tentacle-like representation of what is supposed to be just my swaying hair. And I know that I have to be consistently under the onyx hood that's supposed to be my only protection against the harsh environment they called Earth. The loud noises caused by the colliding of the air molecules gives me headaches.
Talk about 'favourable' working conditions. Compounded with unappreciative clients.
It is not an easy job watching over the Protected over a distance from the Creatures. Just some hours ago, my hair-held radar spoilt when watching over this pair of sisters in the shopping mall. I had to follow them frantically while trying to use my rusty Sense to track the flock of Creatures that were following them closely for the past few days. Man, my self-esteem hurt a great deal when those sisters fled upon seeing me. But at least they managed to get into their safe house before those flock could do anything to them. I got my radar back online later and vaporised them before they could regroup outside the safe house.
It's kinda lonely out there, staying all by myself in this old building for the next couple of years till the sisters turn twenty-one. That will be when the Creatures cannot bother them any more. Then I will use my ten-year leave entitlement to go back home and take care of my kids, which I forfeited previously because of my failure.
I am still having my share of day-mares ever since I failed my previous assignment. I could never forget her scream of anguish as the Creatures dragged her to their wormhole, as I watched helplessly just a few metres away.
It's been a long evening. I shall check out the cityscape for a moment of relaxation before commencing my nightly patrol around their house. As I stared towards the city lights, the family of them stared at me downstairs. I still remember those faces, particularly that Lucy girl who gave me a hard time many years ago. It was miraculous that she survived till now.
I chuckled to myself bitterly, and retreated to the shadows for the start of another long darkness ahead.
I don't really like my job. And it didn't help matters for me to have inferiority complex, which magnifies under the scrutiny of the Protected. It scares the hell out of me when they kept staring at me whenever I appear around them.
Yes, I know, I do emit and aura of fright and terror with black-tentacle-like representation of what is supposed to be just my swaying hair. And I know that I have to be consistently under the onyx hood that's supposed to be my only protection against the harsh environment they called Earth. The loud noises caused by the colliding of the air molecules gives me headaches.
Talk about 'favourable' working conditions. Compounded with unappreciative clients.
It is not an easy job watching over the Protected over a distance from the Creatures. Just some hours ago, my hair-held radar spoilt when watching over this pair of sisters in the shopping mall. I had to follow them frantically while trying to use my rusty Sense to track the flock of Creatures that were following them closely for the past few days. Man, my self-esteem hurt a great deal when those sisters fled upon seeing me. But at least they managed to get into their safe house before those flock could do anything to them. I got my radar back online later and vaporised them before they could regroup outside the safe house.
It's kinda lonely out there, staying all by myself in this old building for the next couple of years till the sisters turn twenty-one. That will be when the Creatures cannot bother them any more. Then I will use my ten-year leave entitlement to go back home and take care of my kids, which I forfeited previously because of my failure.
I am still having my share of day-mares ever since I failed my previous assignment. I could never forget her scream of anguish as the Creatures dragged her to their wormhole, as I watched helplessly just a few metres away.
It's been a long evening. I shall check out the cityscape for a moment of relaxation before commencing my nightly patrol around their house. As I stared towards the city lights, the family of them stared at me downstairs. I still remember those faces, particularly that Lucy girl who gave me a hard time many years ago. It was miraculous that she survived till now.
I chuckled to myself bitterly, and retreated to the shadows for the start of another long darkness ahead.
Haw Flakes
I was packing up my confectionery cabinet one fine day when I came across this packet of unopened haw flakes. A small packet of nine individually reddish paper-wrapped pieces with those familiar Chinese characters printed on each of them.
I snipped the package open with my scissors and a piece fell onto the table. I picked it up, tore the paper open, and took the haw flakes out. Slice by slice.
I put the first into my mouth. I felt it melting on the tip of my tongue. It broke. Then I went ahead and chewed another. The sound of crumbling sugar rang in my head as the sweetness of the flakes sipped into the end of my throat. I chewed again.
Irresistible.
I stared at the remains of the paper packet on the tabletop. And stared at the remaining eight that was tugging together intendedly. I looked at the paper shreds again.
Then, I promptly sweep them up in my hand and crushed them crumpled, throwing them into the dustbin. I opened the fridge and kept the other eight into a corner of the chiller compartment.
I opened my cabinet again. This time, I took out my favourite bag of sour gummy bears and savoured every bite of them in front of my laptop, while mourning for the loss of the world largest gummy bear.
I snipped the package open with my scissors and a piece fell onto the table. I picked it up, tore the paper open, and took the haw flakes out. Slice by slice.
I put the first into my mouth. I felt it melting on the tip of my tongue. It broke. Then I went ahead and chewed another. The sound of crumbling sugar rang in my head as the sweetness of the flakes sipped into the end of my throat. I chewed again.
Irresistible.
I stared at the remains of the paper packet on the tabletop. And stared at the remaining eight that was tugging together intendedly. I looked at the paper shreds again.
Then, I promptly sweep them up in my hand and crushed them crumpled, throwing them into the dustbin. I opened the fridge and kept the other eight into a corner of the chiller compartment.
I opened my cabinet again. This time, I took out my favourite bag of sour gummy bears and savoured every bite of them in front of my laptop, while mourning for the loss of the world largest gummy bear.
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