once upon a time, the kingdom was lively with passion, vibrancy & life
voted as the top ten cities to live in
everyone was warm, friendly, sociable, kind & gracious
but as years went by, wars were fought & lost
at that point, the king was kidnapped by the enemies & presumably killed
the queen no longer had the resources, or the capabilities to defend her kingdom
finally a compromise was reached where the queen had to combine forces with her enemies to share onwership of the kingdom
but the queen was merely a figure head, the real reigns of power lay in the enemies' hands
the kingdom was no longer as passionate as it was
people were quite careful and competitive
no real sincerity & genuineness poured out of their hearts anymore
the queen no longer had the resources to protect her people and left them to the horror of the conquerers
the smiles disappeared & the happy innocence of the people disspitated
many a times, the queen wanted to save them but she was powerless
she tried again & again, drew up war plans again & again
but perhaps it was a lack fo courage, lack of resources or lack of the king's presence
or perhaps it was due to the fact that the people were already changing & she was powerless
all this time, a powerful knight stayed by the queen's side protecting her
although he was not the type of person the queen expected because he was always out in the city rescuing maidens & ladies from their usual cockroaches & spiders
gallant, wild & playful, the queen grew to trust & love this knight deeply although he was not the king
she knew that one day he would leave her to fight battles and win wars
one day he might nvr return
for knights like him, the world was too big, too fascinating to stay in a corner to remain a small knight always
he was much too talented and charismatic
one day the queen was sitting quietly sewing in a corner
her crown had been "borrowed away" again by the enemies
but she cldn't be bothered as it happened too many times
in fact, she was starting to enjoy the life of a being a peaceful commoner
at least she didn't have to be pressured to carry the burdens of the kingdom
lower expectations = less disappointment = happier endings?
but one day the king came back
it turns out that he was kidnapped & suffered from amnesia
he was the king queen had been waiting for for years to arrive & he finally did
but it was too late
the kingdom was in ruins, the power was shattered
& this king had no wish to stay,he only wanted to come & have a look at his once kingdom and have a look at his once gorgeous queen
he unlatched a small bottle and passed it to the queen
"this is your sunshine," the king said "i once captured the beauty of ur smile, the radiance of your glow, the sparkles from your passion, the sprinkles of fairydust from your innocence. it used to be in a big cylinder but i lost it when kidnapped. they took it out from the cylinders & used it to fill balloons. i only managed to save this small bottle for you my dear queen. you must find back what you were"
"look at you," the king continued "where's the radiant smile? i only see a fatigue smile. where's your kind heart filled with hope? i only see disappointment & fatigue when i look into your heart
where's your sunshine? i only hear rain"
with a shake of his head, the king said "i shouldn't have come back. to see my kingdom in ruins. & my once beautiful queen demoted to an ordinary wearisome woman. you're both a disappointment."
"anyways!" he said brightening up "i'm here to bid you goodbye. i've decided that i don't want to be bounded to a kingdom where the world is so big. i bought a huge ship & i'm going to sail around the world in the ship!"
"btw," he said before climbing into the ship "I know you love the knight dearly. but my dear queen, let me give you a word of king-ly advice. don't get your heart broken my queen. i don't see enough hope & strength left in your heart to sustain a broken heart. knights like these are meant to set free, they need to travel to go fighting & battling. even though i'm gone travelling the world in a huge ship, it doesn't mean that's the end for you. find someone that's willing to settle down to be your king, to rebuild the kingdom with you, to build the kingdom back to what it was.
it's just not advisable to hold on to a knight. they are meant ot explore & fight, not meant to be kings & princes.
you have three choices - you can strip off your crown & be normaliated to a common maiden. but bear in mind you're no longer that young nor that breathtaking as you used to be.
the other choice is to put back your crown and wait for a new king to come. you will never love him because your heart is with the knight. but at least you know he'll be a good king. and you can try to admire,respect and like him. but not love.
the third choice is to put on your crown, sniff that bottle i gave you & regain who you used to be.
& convert all your hurt & doubts into hope & optimism using the converter i bought you that year for your birthday. & you can be a queen for this kingdom who will play both the roles of a king and queen. but you must be strong."
"oh i'm running late my dear queen. good bye."
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I am the briefcase that never runs out of money
Long overdue piece inspired by the conversation at the steamboat table during CNY, commenting about the endless Tiger Beer ad and an endless briefcase of money. Having replayed the classic Portal, I shall humbly attempt to emulate some voices of legendary GLaDOS in this piece of writing.
(Radio sounds from the speakers attached to the briefcase.)
(Play Theme song.)
(Human picks up briefcase)
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Hello Subject [insert subject no.]. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Zzzt.
Hello Lucky Star!
You have to be the luckiest human to have found me here!
Why is that so?
Because you have just picked up The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money (aka TBTNROOM)!
Yes, you hear me right! The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money!
T-B-T-N-ROOM!
VROOM VROOM!
*coughs coughs*
Please pardon my occasional uncontrollable manic attacks. You must have seen that Hatter in action, do you not? Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Contextual error. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
*coughs coughs*
So you must be wondering how is it possible to have a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money? Simple! Because I am a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money!
Please follow these easy steps to ensure that you will never run out of human cash to spend!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
That's right, in case you missed it, let's hear it one more time!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
Repeat these easy steps to get truckloads of paper cash instantly! No Fuss, No Muss, No GST! Authenticity guaranteed by the seal of approval from the TBTNROOM Association.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Please take note that normal distribution dictates the probability of the success rates of the open open, close close process of manufacturing truckloads of money. In layman terms, sometimes you get the money, sometimes you don't.
In addition, please be advised that the TBTNROOM promises to provide good ergonomics for users handling the product. In semi-rare cases of non-ergonomic situations, the TBTNROOM promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the handle of the TBTNROOM is laden with Tetanospasmin. Symptoms of exposure include muscle spasms and death. Handle with care.
In addition, please note that we have added a consequence for non-compliance of open open, close close procedure. Any incorrect moves or pauses in executing the procedure will result in an 'Epic Fail' mark on your palms, followed by a minor electric shock of 4000 volts.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Muahahahahahaha! Zzzt! Major contextual error! Zzzt!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
The TBTNROOM will be very pleased if you pretend we were not enslaving you with the TBTNROOM. Please pick up the product, sit by the side of the road, and start opening! We might throw a makeshift picnic shortly to celebrate your tremendous success in using the TNTNROOM in fulfilling your wealthy desires!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Good luck!
Zzzt.
(Radio sounds from the speakers attached to the briefcase.)
(Play Theme song.)
(Human picks up briefcase)
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Hello Subject [insert subject no.]. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Zzzt.
Hello Lucky Star!
You have to be the luckiest human to have found me here!
Why is that so?
Because you have just picked up The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money (aka TBTNROOM)!
Yes, you hear me right! The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money!
T-B-T-N-ROOM!
VROOM VROOM!
*coughs coughs*
Please pardon my occasional uncontrollable manic attacks. You must have seen that Hatter in action, do you not? Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Contextual error. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
*coughs coughs*
So you must be wondering how is it possible to have a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money? Simple! Because I am a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money!
Please follow these easy steps to ensure that you will never run out of human cash to spend!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
That's right, in case you missed it, let's hear it one more time!
Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.
Repeat these easy steps to get truckloads of paper cash instantly! No Fuss, No Muss, No GST! Authenticity guaranteed by the seal of approval from the TBTNROOM Association.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Please take note that normal distribution dictates the probability of the success rates of the open open, close close process of manufacturing truckloads of money. In layman terms, sometimes you get the money, sometimes you don't.
In addition, please be advised that the TBTNROOM promises to provide good ergonomics for users handling the product. In semi-rare cases of non-ergonomic situations, the TBTNROOM promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the handle of the TBTNROOM is laden with Tetanospasmin. Symptoms of exposure include muscle spasms and death. Handle with care.
In addition, please note that we have added a consequence for non-compliance of open open, close close procedure. Any incorrect moves or pauses in executing the procedure will result in an 'Epic Fail' mark on your palms, followed by a minor electric shock of 4000 volts.
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Muahahahahahaha! Zzzt! Major contextual error! Zzzt!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
The TBTNROOM will be very pleased if you pretend we were not enslaving you with the TBTNROOM. Please pick up the product, sit by the side of the road, and start opening! We might throw a makeshift picnic shortly to celebrate your tremendous success in using the TNTNROOM in fulfilling your wealthy desires!
Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.
Good luck!
Zzzt.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The story of the heartless man
Background: Inspired by The Girl with Two Hearts, a humble attempt to account for the heartless man and his tragic end.
I shall humbly take over to fill in the details of the tragic pair, the girl who once had two hearts and the man who is heartless. Perhaps I shall give more details about the heartless man for a more rounded account.
People never understood how the heartless man survives without his heart, because blood cannot circulate without its presence. The doctors who attempted to study him had a hypothesis though. Blood is needed by the brain for it to function, therefore they suggest that the blood circulates via brain activity to replace the pumping heart. Of course, this hypothesis is never tested due to constraints by the Ethically Ethical Ethics Guidelines set by the International Mediocal Boared (sic) to prevent such unethical experiments to be carried out. They could only clamour in a distance.
However, let me assure that the solution is actually quite simple. Know his name, and one will understand. Names are so important, am I not right? Especially when the name of the heartless man is Bi Gan. Yes, he is the same person who once had a seven-hole-rare-beauty (七窍玲珑) heart, but was taken out by the evil concubine of King Zhou thousands of years ago for her amusement. For the benefit of thoseba****s who are not familiar with this legend, Mr Jiang gave Mr Bi a magical talisman to prevent his death after having his heart taken out. However, after surviving, he had to ask a lady selling kangkongs what would happen to a man with no heart. If the lady says “the man without heart still lives”, Mr Bi will survive. On the other hand, if the reply is “the man without heart dies”, he would vomit blood and dirty the whole marketplace with his exploded internal organs and, needless to say, die on the spot. The legend told that Mr Bi indeed had died on the spot and caused a civil war against King Zhou in the country when word about the incident spread, since Mr Bi was a wise official who governed with a heart.
But, as clichéd as it will sound, nothing could be further from the truth. The kind old kangkong lady actually said “I don't know. I think he will live a long long life instead since he would have no heart to take care of.”
And so, Mr Bi lived a long, long life, but had to feign death for obvious reasons.
Since we have clarified Mr Bi's background, it will be easier to explain what really happened between the girl with two hearts and him the heartless man. The doctors are right to say that Mr Bi used his brain for blood circulation. Therefore, his brain received tremendous amount of workout for the past three thousand years. And therefore, his brain power is far more superior than other mere mortals, but since he already lost his conscience along with his heart, his hobby of playing people around him like a game is understandable. And thus, the poor girl who once had two hearts was not spared from his random acts of finding amusement.
Of course, as our dear previous narrator has mentioned, Mr Bi made a miscalculation on which heart to break. And so, Mr Bi was caught totally off guard when the girl went on to execute her devious plans of revenge with her new found intelligence. Even his three thousand year old brain couldn't save him from this.
The details on the onslaught is unnecessary as usual, but worth noting is his outcome. For those who are wise enough to understand that history never fails to repeat itself, how he met his end is obvious. But for the benefit of those who don't, I shall carry on. After losing all his material possessions, he dejectedly exiled himself from the civilisation as a last desperate attempt to escape the clutches of one-hearted girl. On the way to the mountains where Mr Jiang lived, he met an old lady selling kangkongs by the roadside. Anyone of reasonably sound mind would have avoided this old lady at all costs for obvious reasons, but somehow, Mr Bi chose to approach her, and ask, “What happens to a man without a heart?”
Moments later, only a pool of blood and crushed skeletal ashes remain. The old lady gave the most devious grin, removed her make-up and wig, and called for her private jet to bring her back home.
I shall humbly take over to fill in the details of the tragic pair, the girl who once had two hearts and the man who is heartless. Perhaps I shall give more details about the heartless man for a more rounded account.
People never understood how the heartless man survives without his heart, because blood cannot circulate without its presence. The doctors who attempted to study him had a hypothesis though. Blood is needed by the brain for it to function, therefore they suggest that the blood circulates via brain activity to replace the pumping heart. Of course, this hypothesis is never tested due to constraints by the Ethically Ethical Ethics Guidelines set by the International Mediocal Boared (sic) to prevent such unethical experiments to be carried out. They could only clamour in a distance.
However, let me assure that the solution is actually quite simple. Know his name, and one will understand. Names are so important, am I not right? Especially when the name of the heartless man is Bi Gan. Yes, he is the same person who once had a seven-hole-rare-beauty (七窍玲珑) heart, but was taken out by the evil concubine of King Zhou thousands of years ago for her amusement. For the benefit of those
But, as clichéd as it will sound, nothing could be further from the truth. The kind old kangkong lady actually said “I don't know. I think he will live a long long life instead since he would have no heart to take care of.”
And so, Mr Bi lived a long, long life, but had to feign death for obvious reasons.
Since we have clarified Mr Bi's background, it will be easier to explain what really happened between the girl with two hearts and him the heartless man. The doctors are right to say that Mr Bi used his brain for blood circulation. Therefore, his brain received tremendous amount of workout for the past three thousand years. And therefore, his brain power is far more superior than other mere mortals, but since he already lost his conscience along with his heart, his hobby of playing people around him like a game is understandable. And thus, the poor girl who once had two hearts was not spared from his random acts of finding amusement.
Of course, as our dear previous narrator has mentioned, Mr Bi made a miscalculation on which heart to break. And so, Mr Bi was caught totally off guard when the girl went on to execute her devious plans of revenge with her new found intelligence. Even his three thousand year old brain couldn't save him from this.
The details on the onslaught is unnecessary as usual, but worth noting is his outcome. For those who are wise enough to understand that history never fails to repeat itself, how he met his end is obvious. But for the benefit of those who don't, I shall carry on. After losing all his material possessions, he dejectedly exiled himself from the civilisation as a last desperate attempt to escape the clutches of one-hearted girl. On the way to the mountains where Mr Jiang lived, he met an old lady selling kangkongs by the roadside. Anyone of reasonably sound mind would have avoided this old lady at all costs for obvious reasons, but somehow, Mr Bi chose to approach her, and ask, “What happens to a man without a heart?”
Moments later, only a pool of blood and crushed skeletal ashes remain. The old lady gave the most devious grin, removed her make-up and wig, and called for her private jet to bring her back home.
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