I am the briefcase that never runs out of money

Long overdue piece inspired by the conversation at the steamboat table during CNY, commenting about the endless Tiger Beer ad and an endless briefcase of money. Having replayed the classic Portal, I shall humbly attempt to emulate some voices of legendary GLaDOS in this piece of writing.

(Radio sounds from the speakers attached to the briefcase.)
(Play Theme song.)

(Human picks up briefcase)

Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Hello Subject [insert subject no.]. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

Zzzt.

Hello Lucky Star!

You have to be the luckiest human to have found me here!

Why is that so?

Because you have just picked up The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money (aka TBTNROOM)!

Yes, you hear me right! The-Briefcase-That-Never-Runs-Out-Of-Money!

T-B-T-N-ROOM!

VROOM VROOM!

*coughs coughs*

Please pardon my occasional uncontrollable manic attacks. You must have seen that Hatter in action, do you not? Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Contextual error. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

*coughs coughs*

So you must be wondering how is it possible to have a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money? Simple! Because I am a briefcase-that-never-runs-out-of-money!

Please follow these easy steps to ensure that you will never run out of human cash to spend!

Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.

That's right, in case you missed it, let's hear it one more time!

Open open, close close
close close, open open,
open close, close open.

Repeat these easy steps to get truckloads of paper cash instantly! No Fuss, No Muss, No GST! Authenticity guaranteed by the seal of approval from the TBTNROOM Association.

Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

Please take note that normal distribution dictates the probability of the success rates of the open open, close close process of manufacturing truckloads of money. In layman terms, sometimes you get the money, sometimes you don't.

In addition, please be advised that the TBTNROOM promises to provide good ergonomics for users handling the product. In semi-rare cases of non-ergonomic situations, the TBTNROOM promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the handle of the TBTNROOM is laden with Tetanospasmin. Symptoms of exposure include muscle spasms and death. Handle with care.

In addition, please note that we have added a consequence for non-compliance of open open, close close procedure. Any incorrect moves or pauses in executing the procedure will result in an 'Epic Fail' mark on your palms, followed by a minor electric shock of 4000 volts.

Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt. Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

Muahahahahahaha! Zzzt! Major contextual error! Zzzt!

Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

The TBTNROOM will be very pleased if you pretend we were not enslaving you with the TBTNROOM. Please pick up the product, sit by the side of the road, and start opening! We might throw a makeshift picnic shortly to celebrate your tremendous success in using the TNTNROOM in fulfilling your wealthy desires!

Bzzzz Bzzzz zzzt.

Good luck!

Zzzt.