Of ugly princesses, knights in dull armour and cowardly dragons.

My idea came from an interesting conversation between a dragon and myself in King's Bounty. This sets me into questioning the tradition of knights rescuing princesses from dragons.

Sickening. Here I am, stuck in this dirty tower with flies all over and the overpowering smell of shit. How shitty is that. I have demanded again, and again, and again for that wimp to clean up his dung after doing his business, but he never listens does he? I will give him a one-times-good-one when he comes back from his hunting trip. He better bring me some birds' nest and abalone to compensate my emotional distress going through all this shit.

Okay, enough of that four letter word. Count the number of days I am stuck here since that son-of-a-bitch (okay he's not a dog strictly speaking, even though he does act like one sometimes) picked me up along my road trip to the other side of the big, big road when I was lost out in the woods taking a leak in the middle of nowhere. A grand total of 37. A pretty nice number right?

For some reason or another, I liked numbers that add up to a 10, like 19, 28, 46, 55 etc. Must be in my genes. I heard that my dad had problems forming number bonds of 10 during his schooling days, so he ordered a sorcerer to concoct a magical potion to help him count more properly. It did work wonderfully, and he went on to become of one the most prominent mathematicians in the lands, with a secondary job of researching mathematical formulas in his free time when not ruling his kingdom. I hate mathematics though.

My thirty-seven days here in this filthy tower is definitely not a stroll in a park. I have to withstand sucky living conditions in this old and abandoned room. There are dust everywhere, the bed is squeaky, the sofa is too soft, the table is too high, the chairs are ugly, the fans are swinging precariously on the ceiling... I can easily come up with a whole list as long as the kingdom's constitution if I have bothered to.

I still have to give him some credit for reducing the mess in the room than it initially was. But being a dunce as he ever is, there's only that much he could do to improve my living conditions. He should get me a proper maid on his next hunting trip. Smack him if he doesn't.

Oh wells, so what am I suppose to do now? I am so bored ever since I have explored every corner of the tower I am stuck in (with my respirator of course). I have to dig through a pile of rubbish before I found the most important item that was missing in my room: a shining mirror! Now I have an option to kill my boredom by admiring myself in the mirror to appreciate my utmost beauty inside out. But it's obvious that that alone won't be enough to satisfy my needs for consistent stimulation. Maybe I should search through that pile again for any surprises I might have missed out.

As I look at myself in the mirror again just now, something struck me suddenly. WHERE THE HECK IS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR WHO IS SUPPOSED TO RESCUE ME FROM THIS PILE OF SHIT??? That idiot is taking his own sweet time eh? It must be the pretty flowers and mischievous pixies that held him up isn't it? Bullshit.

He had better come and rescue me quick, before I blow up this whole damn tower and go to his pathetic house and blow up his house and go right up to his face and smack him silly with my beloved mirror.

Oh no, not with my beloved mirror.

***

Curses, curses and a thousand curses. Why does the princess have to be taken away by that stupid dragon at this time? When I am preparing for my final thesis paper for my Ph.D. Of Knighthood which is due the next day? Now the king had ordered me to go to that tower and rescue that princess, spoiling all my plans for early graduation!

Speaking of the princess, she is definitely NOT the girl in my dreams. In my nightmares rather. I can never forget that day at the kingdom ball when I saw her in that gorgeous dress. A total misfit. I almost tripped over myself when I saw her giving a welcome speech in her shrilling voice.

They say you cannot un-know what you have known. How eerily true.

I know I am sounding superficial, which is against the Code of Honour of Knighthood, but you should have seen her looking at herself in the mirror. I am at loss of words to describe how she does that. And to think it would be the last I would see of her. Such a cruel joke.

I could recall that when I was a little boy, I would go around my small little town declaring my intention and determination to become the best knight in the kingdom so that I could slay dragons and rescue princesses. Now I laugh at myself, with the clear lesson of 'Be careful what you wish for'.

Before setting off for the long journey ahead in this noble quest, I would have to check my inventory to make sure that everything is in order. My squire tends to be a little absent-minded, forgetting to pack important equipment every now and then when I go for my missions. Once I left for a mission to the Winterlands to recover a stolen magic crystal necessary to power the king's massage chair, only to discover that my squire did not pack any winter clothings for me at all. I had to resort to killing a number of cute polar cubs to make myself a coat to survive the mission. That was why I set up a 'Save the Polar Cubs Foundation' when I returned from that mission.

I checked my backpack and found that my good old fire-proof armour is missing. That silly squire forgot about it again. I kept him working for me still for he is a diligent chap, though he still needs to learn prudence before I could approve his promotion to a junior knight. I opened the cupboard, and my dusty armour sat there peacefully. It lost its shine after years of neglect since I last fought a fire-spitting hydra years ago.

I stuffed that suit into my backpack without bothering to polish it as I figured that it would still work whether it's shining or not. Maybe that dragon's fire can help to burn off the mould and rust to make it shiny again! I set off on my trusty steed the next day at first light, revising my Guide to Advanced Knighting on how to kill a dragon along the way.

I secretly wished that the princess would be caught in the crossfire. That way, nobody can force me to marry her when I am done slaying the dragon.

***

No one told me that it is so difficult to be a ferocious dragon. Especially when I am required to carry on the 'tradition' of my ancestors.

My mum kept telling me that my destiny is to send shivers down the spines of the pitiful humans. Burn their villages! Destroy their towns! Stomp their farms! She says. I am so irritated by her constant ramblings that I have to move my ass out to these places to carry out the dirty work. And my back always hurts after each rampaging trip, after those scary villagers poked me non-stop with their forks. I tried to explain to them that I am just doing my job as a ferocious dragon, but they just wouldn't listen. Their obstinateness sends chills down MY spine. Sheesh.

I hate my job. Especially my most recent assignment of this tradition I have to uphold. Kidnapping the princess.

Seriously, it is a lot more difficult and annoying that I thought. And really scary. The worst day of my life was when I picked up that ugly thing in the middle of the woods. I thought I was quite lucky initially, as I need not siege the castle in order to kidnap her from the king and his army of angry infantry, horsemen, archers and magi.

Then she opened her accursed mouth, and I was proven dead wrong. Her scream was deafening. Ouch.

Just when I thought I could have some peace and quiet away from my mum and her ramblings at that old tower far, far away from the cave. That ugly bitch is more formidable than her! I should have brought her back home to challenge my mum, if not for my second thoughts of trying to be a filial son.

Now I am regretting every second of it. Every single second, she would be rambling her complaints about the place, the food, the air, my shit non-stop, and her demands are endless. I had to clean up the room for her, repair the spoilt ceiling fan, find rare delicacies for her 'royal taste buds' in her own words, wash her clothes and get new dresses to replace those I have tore accidentally with my finger nails etc etc. Those are definitely not in my Terms of Reference for being a ferocious dragon.

And a ferocious dragon has the liberty to do his business anywhere he wants! What right does that spoilt brat have to demand that I clean up my faeces after I was done with my job! I am not her pet that needs toilet training. I shall ignore her protest this time. That is what a ferocious dragon supposed to do right?

It makes me puke ash whenever I see her admiring herself in the mirror she have found some days ago. I have purposely hid it away from her so that her unsightly features would not be doubled in this world. Oh wells, perhaps it would keep her occupied from me for a while.

Come to think of it, history has shown that the knight would come and slay the dragon to rescue the princess without fail. And yet I have to uphold this tradition of kidnapping the princess like my ancestors did, and to be killed in the process. That doesn't sound right at all! I did try to ask my mum about it, but she kept insisted that I am different and will succeed in kidnapping the princess while staying alive. But when I asked her about what to do after that, she kept quiet for that very instant that I wished it would be forever, before she shoo-ed me off and asked me not to think about it.

I am having a headache now amidst her endless scowling. I should find somewhere and sleep. Oh wait, I think I smell something coming. Oh no! It's a knight! I better hide somewhere quickly before he gets me like his ancestors always did to mine.

***

And so the legend tells of the tale of a valiant knight in shining armour rescuing the demure princess in distress from the evil clutches of the ferocious dragon at the old tower in the middle of nowhere. Despite putting up a good fight that lasted for 7 days and 7 nights, the ferocious dragon fell eventually under the blades of the knight. The grateful princess then fell in love with the handsome knight, and they tied the knot under the decree of the king as a reward to the knight's chivalry. And so, they lived happily ever after.

We sure can hope.